Shmatterrific

When I was growing up, little did I realize that my primary value to society would someday be selling shmattes. Or at least helping Talbot’s sell shmattes more efficiently. At retail yet. Oy! Anyway, my project to create a centralized database for their Merchandising Plan continues to help me survive the economic crisis, but unfortunately, draws my attention away from more rewarding endeavors such as Fitpacking and sitting around doing nothing.

Speaking of which, Fitpacking recently received some blog coverage from the Just Camping Out Blog (go figure). To read the advertisement (I mean well-researched article): http://dzynezone.blogspot.com/2008/12/product-reviews-fitpacking-camping-for.html. Now all I have to do is find a way to be featured in the Just Eating Out blog. Or maybe even the “I’m a hot model with a poor self image who thinks I need to lose weight” blog.

In a similar vein, if your looks aren’t quite what they could be (and you care because you haven’t been with your significant other long enough to despise them) consider Arbonne products for face, body, and health care to look and feel better. Diane Ryan now represents these products, which are all natural with no animal testing, and cannot be found in stores. For more information about their product lines or placing an order, contact her here. Disclaimer: I have never tried these products as I’m already considered arm candy.

Oh here’s some news you can safely ignore (except during a nuclear attack). The Air Sickness Bag Museum just received coverage in the Toilet Paper Entrepreneur Blog, as unlikely as that may sound: http://www.toiletpaperentrepreneur.com/blog/15-stupid-business-ideas-that-arent-stupid-at-all. Basically, it’s a thinly veiled ploy at getting you to buy an Air Sickness Bags Around the World Poster (for people you hate, but are obligated to give gifts to). They’re “only” $10 and I can virtually guarantee that your intended recipient doesn’t have one: http://www.airsicknessbags.com/GiftShoppe.html.

For those of you who may not be aware of the celebrity status I have attained in Slovenia, here’s yet another Barf Bag Blog post that’s so compelling that I’ve given it its own paragraph: www.pirancafe.wordpress.com/2008/10/10/from-barf-bags-to-napoleons-penis-weird-collections-part-i.

If I ever own a radio station, please remind me to provide listeners a No Christmas Music guarantee. I don’t care that there are plenty of stations entirely dedicated to such music all day every day. In fact, I’m happy for people who enjoy that kind of thing. But it seems that no matter what station you listen to, they feel obligated to throw in about 15% Christmas Music, as if it’s some minimum daily requirement of roughage in your diet that’s supposed to be good for you. It’s as if they think that little morsel of Santa they sporadically spike your IV drip with is just the medicine you need to finally get your digestive tract operating again.

Yes, that WAS Chris Martin who graced your TV screen when you saw the SMU / Texas A&M basketball game on Friday night. What? You missed it? That’s OK. You have 13 more chances to see him announce games through March. Congratulations Chris! See you on the national stage next year?

As a gift for their diligent work, several Obama campaign volunteers were given personalized tote bags similar to this one made by Lizzy Zinn Embroidery: http://lizzyzinn.com/care_feeding/tote-bag-cotton-duck.cfm. Additionally, LZE has been the embroider of choice for all Fitpacking hats. Quality, service, value, selection. These are dumb buzzwords marketing people use to manipulate you, but check out the site anyway.

I wanted to end this newsletter by pontificating about the current economic crisis. I don’t care to comment upon why I think it’s happening, what should be done to fix it, or who may be primarily responsible for it. Mostly, I’d like to comment upon the unfortunate behavior that the threat of penury seems to engender in people.

Tough budget choices and a paucity of largesse polarize people. Instead of approaching our common problems with unity and a singular purpose, the lack of prosperity is divisive. Look at any editorial page or listen to any televised pundit. When people must determine how to appropriate tiny slices of a vanishing pie, they often rabidly attack, deride, and ridicule allotments that would either not benefit them personally or would ever so slightly disagree with their inflexible philosophies.

I am asking you to resist the temptation to express vituperative opposition to ideas different from yours that you may actually support in more prosperous times and find a way to collectively solve our economic problems. Inhumanely bashing each other senseless because our values conflict with other peoples’ may have been tolerable (even enjoyable to some) in good economic times. Let’s not carry these over to current times when we need unity to combat our common problems. I guess my sentiments are best summarized by the visionary words of Bill, “Be excellent to each other”. And finally, let’s not forget Ted’s important rejoinder, “Party on dudes!”

Fashionista!

As Fitpacking lurches and sputters inexorably into off-season obscurity (as opposed to high-season obscurity, I guess) I have just accepted a software contracting position that runs through the end of this year. While I'm supposedly being brought on board for my technical expertise, some might be surprised to learn that my fashion sense may have sealed the deal, as the client is Talbot's (Tall Butt's?) So prepare yourself. If all goes according to my insidiously evil plan, my flair for fashion will soon permeate the racks at J. Jill. I call it "Clueless Couture".

Given my recent experience seeking a contract, the apparently starved-for-content Albany Times-Union solicited my opinion about the assertion that the resume is dead. You can read my unbelievably profound and borderline prescient views about this on their site: http://blogs.timesunion.com/classconflict/?p=711

I just returned from Fitpacking's annual 53-mile Fall Foliage trip which traversed the entire (almost) Connecticut section of the Appalachian Trail. The weather was unbelievable, the views amazing, and the hiking sublime. You cannot verify this however, since no photos have as yet made their way back to me. Regarding upcoming Fitpacking trips however, I'm most excited about escaping winter at the end of January in Cumberland Island National Seashore, GA. http://www.fitpacking.com/2009/CI.cfm

Speaking of Fitpacking, I somehow buffaloed a website geared towards would-be entrepreneurs into thinking that their readership might be interested in my advice about running an emerging business. Bwah ha ha ha, suckers! http://www.gaebler.com/Interview-with-Fatpacking-Founder-Steve-Silberberg.htm

I just had the pleasure of meeting with Adam Reid of Back2Health Spinal Fitness in Hanover, MA. Back2Health can provide a whole array of health options, but specializes in back and neck problems. If you have spinal issues and live near the South Shore of Boston, check out http://www.b2hspinalfitness.com/ . Or you can e-mail Adam directly at: adamreidcei@gmail.com . I'm certain he'll respond quickly, unlike messages sent to me, which immediately plummet into a vortex of procrastination.

Nantasket beach comes alive with awesome waves and pounding surf every Fall. So the other day, when Vickie Baumwald and I were walking her border collie (and my rental dog) Toby on the beach, we spied a lobster trap tumbling around in the incoming tide. I waded into the somewhat frigid water, heaved the trap ashore, opened it up, and we went to town, releasing dozens of crabs, clams, mussels, and the one small lobster that had entered the trap. Yes, crustaceans now consider us heroes (as do the seagulls). Anyway, to celebrate our bold and empowering act of animal liberation, we went out to lunch, passed up the clam chowder, and had some veal instead.

Amazing voice talent Chris Martin can make anyone seem evil. Certainly, barely scratching the surface of most people would expose some evil, but many of us run an ongoing, manipulative, all-encompassing marketing campaign to attempt hide any trace of our banality and therefore humanity, thereby completely obviating any chance of real emotional intimacy with others. The point is, listen to Chris' political voice ads here: http://www.thecampbellagency.com/broadcastfilm/voiceover/men-political.html

This newsletter just wouldn't be very Mildly Informative if I didn't beat you down with recent media coverage of the Air Sickness Bag Museum:

Endless Vacation Magazine:

http://www.fatpacking.com/resume/images/EndlessVacation200809.jpg

Blogs:

http://3rdacts.com/sidebars/airsickness_bag_museum.php

http://coquinadaily.blogspot.com/2008/10/saturday-october-4-2008.html

http://www.been-seen.com/article.cfm?id=10848

Susan Laves just began her Freshman Year at Wellesley College and is already far behind on homework. At least we can now accurately refer to her as, "Susan Laves, Student". Congratulations!

Hey readers, here are some of my pet peeves!

"Do the math" irritates me to no end. It's weasel shorthand for "Do the math, idiot" or more bluntly, "Figure it out, idiot" or even "It's obvious, stupid". There's never any math involved and for some reason, people never take offense when they're called morons in such a cutesy way.

The phrase "People Smarter Than Me" is generally used by smug, sanctimonious jerks trying to somehow deflect deservedly negative judgment of their palpable ignorance using some humble, positive, aw shucks spin doctoring. Y'know what? Be honest and say, "I'm a stupid idiot".

I also hate the word "think" as in Think: Literary Device. What this generally indicates is that the writer has made a poor analogy or a lousy point and feels they must get you to ignore their failed attempt at establishing their idea by tagging their text with what they really meant to say all along. If you make your point, you don't need to tell me to think.

Time for me to end this missive by reminding you that no matter how much money our society has collectively lost recently and no matter how fast we're hurtling towards a protracted depression – Thanks GWB! You're the best president ever! – and no matter how much you love or hate war, we are still officially at war. Our people are still returning home wounded and can really use our support. Here is one way of doing so: http://www.purpledogtag.com .

Remember, you can always view this newsletter as a blog and get the RSS feed here: http://stevesmildlyinformativestuff.blogspot.com/

Summer is Fading :-(

In June, shortly after you ingested your last dose of Mildly Informative Stuff (best taken with Cod Liver Oil), Fitpacking embarked upon the annual White Mountain National Forest trip, where we day-hiked to beautiful mountain summits every day and stayed at Cranmore Mountain Lodge, http://www.cranmoremountainlodge.com/ every night. Here are some of the jaw-dropping (and I guess jaw-neutral) pictures from that trip: http://picasaweb.google.com/LKKarcher/WhiteMountains?authkey=lS9xsbVekWg

Then in July Fitpacking visited New York State for the Adirondack High Peaks backpacking adventure. If you would like to vicariously re-live our excursion without having to deal with the rain, bugs, or body odors, you can view some of the pictures here, courtesy Steve Liljestrand: http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=a0popgn.bcpmenfv&x=0&y=f73tu5&localeid=en_US.

And if you’re one of those obsessively voyeuristic people who don’t mind giving up any semblance of privacy in order to see pictures of strangers that were uploaded to a social network, why not check out (and sign up to be a fan of) the Fitpacking Facebook page? http://www.new.facebook.com/pages/Hull-MA/Fitpacking/17187844623?ref=s. Photos from several past trips are available there.

John Chisholm’s transcendent influence on international equity markets continues its ubiquity, as evidenced by the global investment community begging him to share his much sought-after financial insights. Check out his most recent CNBC interview here: http://www.cnbc.com/id/25733338?__source=RSS*tag*&par=RSS


Hiring alert! Cristina Tcheyan, a recent Master’s Degree recipient from the University of California at Davis, is seeking a position in Business Development with a technology start-up. She is available now, so this is your opportunity to snatch her away from the competition. What does she offer? Well, why don’t you suffer through a few of her credentials listed below to see if your company can profit obscenely by exploiting her vast potential?

Cristina Tcheyan is an extremely multi-disciplined self-starter with a strong combination of academic and scientific accomplishments. She is a winner of a National Science Foundation award, a Department of Energy research fellowship, multiple business plan competitions at the MBA level, and various educational scholarships. Cristina is also a published author, accomplished artist, oil, and mural painter, and is bilingual with extensive international travel.

Interest piqued? cris.tcheyan@gmail.com


Other June happenings… I was in an auto accident -- rear ended. While everyone was OK, the insurance company and body shop ended up being really, really OK … I donated my 61st pint of blood yesterday … was sick with a summer cold for a week and a half … did some cat sitting and also some dog sitting for an 8 lb. Chihuahua … I even had a birthday (or 2).

The now 10-year-old Air Sickness Bag Museum continues to amuse and amaze, but mostly neither. However, it does foster occasional curiosity around the web. In what seems to be an odd route to fame for bloggers trying to be taken seriously as budding journalists, bag coverage has appeared in various content starved blogs. Here are three recent examples: http://familytoyblog.com/2008/07/08/odds-ends-collecting-the-unusual/ http://www.blissfullydomestic.com/2008/07/yesterday-i-wro.html http://www.8bitocean.com/2008/08/vomit-in-style-with-vanity-vom-bags.html

Amanda Gilbert, who I met while walking (hiking actually), is not-so-ironically going to walk 60 miles in 3 days to help combat breast cancer. Please support her here: http://08.the3day.org/site/TR/Walk/PhiladelphiaEvent?px=2496950&pg=personal&fr_id=1186&et=A-Z0DDvLmWFdfh9ISI9-HQ..&s_tafId=6022, unless of course you’re some horrible sicko that supports breast cancer, that is.

I was planning to use this forum to spout unbelievably insightful commentary about the Red Hat Society, but the Red Hatters will have to wait ‘til next time as they have been usurped by the ensuing Olympic gleanings.

• Brief exposure to Olympic events that few even realize exist, such as synchronized diving, can transform casual onlookers into instant technical experts.
  
• Every time I see a middle aged male coaching women’s gymnastics, I wonder if he has a predilection for pedophilia.
  
• You will never see a televised Olympic event that the USA doesn’t stand a chance of winning.
• Even Olympic athletes that are automatically marginalized as inferior by TV coverage because they finish last, work out harder and longer every single day of their lives than most of us ever do on any one day of our lives.
  
• Even if they shave their bodies to reduce friction, the majority of Olympic athletes wear jewelry. It can’t possibly help their performances, and it’s not like those earrings are eye-catchingly stylish or anything.
  
• All it really takes to have a successful career interviewing Olympic medal winners, is to repeatedly ask the unanswerable question, “What does this victory mean to you?”
  
• The only possible way to congratulate your teammates is with a High-5 or a hug, and this obligation must be carried out no matter what the actual outcome of the event is.
  
• Some NBC executive must have an erotic obsession with Michael Phelps’ mother. She is given orders of magnitude more screen time than almost any of the actual athletes, even if they are capable of swimming a scant hundredth of a second slower than her son.
  
• An Olympic Track and Field event consisting of running backwards, crawling, skipping, and crab walking is no more absurd than any swimming medley. If the idea is to get from here to there as quickly as possible, why constrain the way people do it?
  
• You can no longer find tangy orange colored French dressing at any restaurant. (OK, this has nothing to do with the Olympics).
  
  Finally, on a serious note, I am wishing for Scott Shangraw’s safe and rapid return from Iraq. In his most recent deployment only a few months ago, he is often placed in the line of fire and he has witnessed people in his contingent being killed and others being wounded. As the war drags on, it’s easy to forget the sacrifice Scott and others like him are making, so I wanted to mention it lest you may have forgotten.
  

Overflowing Inbox!

So many amazing things are simultaneously transpiring that the last newsletter could scarcely contain the burgeoning cornucopia of occurrences! Well, that’s not really true. The only reason I’m sending this addendum now is because an item or two are time sensitive. But come on, you gotta love hyperbole.

Desiree’ Weaver needs to find lodging in Metro West Boston, and quickly. She has a small dog, would like to live within a half-hour drive of Framingham, and would prefer to be near a T or commuter rail line. She’s looking for a year lease if possible. If you have any leads in this area, please contact her ASAP at: dactylicbinkie@gmail.com. (Note to enthusiastic realtors: No, she can’t afford the $3.5 million McMansion that your sellers are desperately trying to dump for $2.9 million.)

Heather Gillis also needs lodging, only she requires it in September and in Seattle. She’ll be attending the University of Washington and would like to live in the U District or Ravenna, but anywhere convenient to UW would work. Actually, I could probably house her in my tenement if it wasn’t already filled with drug dealers renters. Contact Heather at: heather_gillis@hotmail.com.

Many of you have asked to see pictures of recent Fitpacking trips (where much like in Hottentot society, many = 3). Here are some links to the April Great Smoky Mountains Trip and two links to the May Shenandoah National Park Trip:

http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=16gnqgjx.5qm1qjxx&Uy=t5fpad&Ux=0&UV=969057418617_430318255605

http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=16gnqgjx.2aw1pfqt&Uy=-sftdsq&Ux=0&UV=176296355406_740318255605

http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=bbnvfqwl.5uc4k77p&Uy=-pp718&Ux=1&UV=674962905976_450318255605

If you have friends you think might benefit from Fitpacking (“Say, it looks like you could stand to lose some weight!”) please refer them here: http://www.fitpacking.com).

On another note, for those who are impressed by minor culinary successes, I am now a Certified Food Handler / Food Safety Manager by the American Food Safety Institute and the National Registry of Food Safety Professionals. This is the type of utter non-event that your average loser-guy would use to his advantage to try to impress, and ultimately pick up women – often with great success I might add. If only I were that smooth…

If you are feeling altruistic and don’t mind some passive advertising, your click below will provide 1/45,000 of a free mammogram to an underprivileged woman. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com. You can click once per day.

Hey hippies! If you want to throw away your unlimited career potential and receive meager pay to work on some wild haired backpacking venture, the Continental Divide National Scenic Trail needs you. They are hiring a New Mexico Regional Coordinator whose responsibilities include, well, just about everything. Detailed information can be found here: http://www.cdtrail.org/page.php?pname=cdta/jobs/permanent

And big news for Tina Aitala Engblom. She is due to deliver a baby in 3 weeks. Hopefully, the new addition will not materially affect her work on http://www.pathwaystofamilywellness.org.

Finally, I’d like to take this opportunity to deconstruct and try to understand a phrase whose appeal completely escapes me. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”.

I just don’t get who finds this phrase alluring. If I understand its nuances correctly, the primary appeal of the slogan is the secrecy of your actions. This means that Vegas recognizes and is trying to tap into some unquenchable obsession you have of doing shameful things that you would like to keep secret from your business associates, friends and family. While we’ve all done things we’re not all that proud of at one time or another, the premeditated nature of planning an entire vacation around your unsavory acts seems bizarre to me.

As one who is not really all that keyed in to the world of vice (translation: dull nerd) , I’m not sure exactly what types of things “happen” in Vegas that need to stay there, but I immediately dismiss illegal acts like murder and drugs, which I cannot imagine they condone. I speculate that the happenings mainly involve either infidelity, getting highly inebriated, anonymous intimacy with complete strangers, or some combination of the above. I am not so naïve as to overlook the fact that these popular actions are cherished institutions and sacred American freedoms.

But this is where cognitive dissonance kicks in. Why would you go all the way to Las Vegas to find a stranger for companionship (who I guess also came to Vegas for the exact same reason)? Why the secrecy? If you’re predisposed to doing certain things, then just do them. If you enjoy becoming intimate with complete strangers that you’ve only known for an hour or two (no one can accuse YOU of being xenophobic!) why must it stay in Vegas?

Walk with your head high! Be proud that someone found you amazing enough to share themselves with you at the drop of a hat! It shows just how special you are to the other person and illustrates how truly special it must be to be with you. So I wonder, why should something so incredible stay in Vegas?

And now you finally understand why whenever I feel like cross-dressing, I make sure to do it in public, perhaps around town or at your house party.

Remember that this message is mirrored on the blog: http://stevesmildlyinformativestuff.blogspot.com/

June Ramblings

Of all possible Mildly Informative news items I have, the mildest by far is that Steve’s Mildly Informative Stuff is now a blog. That doesn’t mean I’m going to abandon the current crude method of disseminating obtuse drivel and forcibly subjecting your inbox to it, oh no, no, no! It just means that those of you who have been clamoring to comment upon the minutiae I proffer herein can now submit your own Mildly Informative Comments to the blog. Details here: http://stevesmildlyinformativestuff.blogspot.com/.

I just returned from a 2-week Fitpacking Trip to Shenandoah National Park in VA. It was incredible not only because of the surfeit of sweeping views and excessive panoply of wildflowers, but because our crew was comprised of decent human beings with great spirits. If you’ve never been, the hiking is excellent and so are the blackberry milkshakes at the waysides. Photos forthcoming.

And if you’ve spend the last few months jonesing for pictures of the April Great Smoky Mountains Trip, you can view a slideshow of Desiree’s pictures here: http://www.kodakgallery.com/ShareLandingSignin.jsp?Uc=16gnqgjx.5qm1qjxx&Uy=t5fpad&Upost_signin=Slideshow.jsp%3Fmode%3Dfromshare&Ux=0&UV=141197289411_816383435605&localeid=en_US. Unfortunately, Ann’s camera went swimming.


Last year, Backpacker Magazine spearheaded a Herculean effort to map the entire 2800+ mile Continental Divide Trail. As part of that effort, then-Associate Editor Jason Stevenson and I (Team 43) mapped a section of trail just South of Chief Joseph Pass on the Montana/Idaho border. Jason has produced, organized, edited and uploaded several videos detailing the efforts of hundreds of volunteers. You can peruse them here: http://www.backpacker.com/cdt. Note: We were the team that spotted the enormous charismatic megafauna at the end of the ‘Animals of the CDT’ clip.

Many of you have come to feel a gaping void in your soul when the Mildly Informative newsletter omits any mention of barf bags. However, take heart, this is not one of those times.

In May, the Air Sickness Bag Museum was listed as one of the 25 weirdest collections on the web, http://www.sahio.com/25-weirdest-collections/. (It’s #2 after the navel fluff collection).

Ergo, the National Review is weird: http://corner.nationalreview.com/post/?q=NDg1NTkwNzM0M2ViZDIxZjQwNjhhMjRjZTljMTdkZDg=

Some sources even consider barf bag collecting a trend: http://www.transporttrends.com/mvnforum/mvnforum/viewthread?thread=1761

To all you corporate people who are reading this at work, thinking about how great it would be to spend your afternoon writing a dumb newsletter like this (but preferring to be able to afford essentials like food, gas, and lacrosse lessons for your not-so-athletic teenager), I need your help. Actually, Amy Lemkin does. She recently left her last position and is available for hire. If your company is looking for a Business Manager (HR, Accounting, Mgt Operations etc.) Amy is someone who can expedite and get things done. amylemkin@comcast.net.

Sera Genovese will be walking 60 miles over 3 days in an event called the Breast Cancer 3 Day. She needs to raise $2000 and her team is called “Pretty in Pink & Billy”. In order to donate or just check things out: http://www.the3day.org/.


For those of you who are languishing in obscurity and want a legacy that extends beyond a footnote in the Mormon Church’s database of every person who ever lived, consider a publicist. Darlan Erlandson does public relations work, copywriting, editing, proofreading and a host of other services to get you noticed. Contact her at fame@acd.net.

If you enjoy pointless confrontation then, well you’re most likely someone I’ve dated. Either that, or you’re in real estate. Anyway, if you want to feel good about not currently being involved in a real estate transaction, here’s a blog from one of this list’s members: http://framinghamguy.blogspot.com/

Amber Bloom has asked me to direct you to her website: http://www.code-creations.com/

This newsletter’s jeremiad is intended to underscore the difficulties of being an activist. To illustrate, please recall the old adage about Ginger Rogers having to dance as well as Fred Astaire, except backwards and in high heels. Yeah, I know, I only have a vague notion of who Ginger Rogers is myself, but I have even a less vague notion of who might currently be appearing on Dancing With the Stars (with the notable exception of Master P [not to be confused with Master Po from Kung Fu, who I’d actually tune it to watch on D with the S]).

Anyway, while my set of values compels me to support most any environmental cause, my actual activism is limited to possibly the tiniest amount of effort achievable. You may know for instance that I am the webmaster of Sustainable South Shore (http://www.sustainablesouthshore.org/). Yet even this most nominal of involvement takes far more time than I had ever imagined.

What this means is that being socially conscious costs an activist their time, time that they might otherwise devote to a far more profitable job, career, or business. Meanwhile, espousing the status quo is often lucrative. There’s big money in exploiting natural resources, supporting sweatshops, or polluting indiscriminately. Those who ignore say, environmental or social costs do so because it is good for generating wealth and then get to feel good about their choices by listening to Conservative talk radio. The socially conscious individual is therefore left with far fewer opportunities to generate enough largesse to influence legislation the way, say, oil executives do.

I don’t have any startling revelations about this phenomenon, other than my current assertion that pure Capitalism and economic theory don’t take social good into account until some lowest common threshold of decency (such as Lake Erie burning) has been exceeded.

I’m guessing some business wonk has written extensively about this phenomenon and profited handsomely from their research/revelations without having furthered any actual social cause. But that’s just a guess.

Send me your news!